It's worth it
10:13 p.m. x March 09, 2006
When it comes to keeping this thing current, I suck. I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff that's happened since I last updated. (Not that it's life or death bad or anything. I just want to be more positive.) That just doesn't leave much, because everything else has been fairly routine and doesn't make for entry-worthy material.
When all else fails, I always have Louie to write about.
Last night, I went over there and we got a free pizza from Papa John's. It was gross, like their pizza always is, but it was free. I ate one slice. For what I think was a large pizza, they only gave us one pepper. How dumb is that? It's a good thing I decided I didn't want to aggravate my stomach by eating them. We may have had to fight over them.
Before we went to get the pizza, Bryan called (he's a part of our "clique" but only because Louie always brings him around. I think he feels sorry for him.) and he said he'd call him back after we ate.
Well he didn't call Bryan back right away and we ended up having sex 3 times. The first time, we ended up on the floor and scooted all the way across the living room. It was awesome. The second time was probably supposed to be a nap and ended up being sex, and then Bryan called, and we had it again while he was en route to Louie's. Bryan had to wait outside while we finished getting dressed. I silently found it funny.
So this was probably like 11:30 and Bryan sat there and sat there and would not leave. He was being harmless, not running his mouth in such a way that made me want to backhand him like last week, so I didn't make an issue of it, but I wanted more sex. Last week, he made some comment about how it didn't matter if I changed my diet and stopped drinking caffeine. I'd just die of lung cancer from smoking anyway. Well, if that wasn't bad enough, Louie and my stepsister took his side. Yes, I know smoking is bad and I know I need to quit and stay that way but attacking me and belittling me isn't going to further his cause. Well, I don't think Louie realized how he sounded, because now that I told him how much it bothered me, he's been making little quips at Bryan to get back at him for me (without me asking him to). Last night, when we were watching tv, there was a story on about Dana Reeve, and he goes "Yeah, and she didn't even smoke!" Not that I would want to use someone's death to get back at someone for having a big mouth but it was kinda comical.
Louie's always (well, since we technically broke up) ran hot and cold, and this could just be the hot part of that but he's been a lot more.... boyfriendly lately. Not in a way that makes me uncomfortable, but it's little things, like sticking up for me in the long run to make up for sticking his foot in his mouth, and Sunday, he was hungry and I said "I just ate chicken, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. I woulda brought you some but you don't like chicken with the bone in and I only had 6 pieces." He said "You don't have to bring anything. Just you. And this." and he kissed me. It was just so incredibly sweet. And it didn't seem like he was just going through a hot phase. I think it was genuine.
Then last night, we were watching tv (as I said) and some woman was on tv that Bryan was drooling over. Louie said "She's a little too anorexic for my tastes. I like a little meat on the bones." and he squeezed the back of my leg. I said "It's not like there's much meat there." and he said "You're like a hot wing. Not everyone wants a whole piece of chicken. I like just enough to nibble on." While it may not sound like much when someone else reads it, I know it's a complete 360, if for no other reason than him saying it in front of someone else. He's hesitated to discuss us as more than friends for a very long time in front of anyone and it meant something to me.
Then when I was leaving, after finally giving up on Bryan going anywhere, he gave me this kiss... oh my God. It's been ages since he kissed me like that without it being foreplay. I mean, we don't hesitate to use tongue, but this was just wow. Ass grabbing, moaning, grinding, making out goodbye kiss. It's probably the 2nd best non-foreplay kiss he's ever given me. The first was after the first time I spent the night there and he pinned me to the wall by the door and we kissed for an hour. I don't think he could beat the "best" kiss without it leading to sex but this was close and it was fucking awesome. It's still making me tingle.
That still doesn't mean we're getting back together in that sense but it makes me feel a lot better about being the next best thing to a girlfriend. Especially after what happened a few weeks ago. It dealt a huge blow to my confidence and shook the very foundation that he and I stand on, but we made it. That's the biggest thing about all of it. "We" survived it. And it really is better than ever. It's been almost 15 months since we met and I still feel giddy like when we first met. In another life, with both of us having different values on things, it would be the perfect marriage. I know there's going to come a day when he moves on, but hypothetically speaking, we could so easily be that little, old couple eating ice cream from the same cone on the park bench. I don't expect it to go on that long, but that's how we are. And we're not even a couple. Not officially anyway.
There's still that piece of me that won't ever relax, and that little piece of me is waiting for him to go cold again, but I can honestly say I'm happy right now. Truly happy. And with the way this year has gone so far, I'll take the caution along with that happiness. It's worth it.