And to think I haven't seen the best part yet
10:58 p.m. x May 12, 2004
I should be downloading songs and burning them to a CD for my cousin, or cleaning my house, but I don't feel like doing either one.
It's been a few days since I gave a John update in here. I'm about due.
Everything is going great. I miss him bunches right now because he's at work but I'm happy he has a job, and he keeps a job, so I'll get over it.
He had a dream about me yesterday morning, and it was one of those that bothers the person all day. In the dream, we got mugged and I got stabbed, and he tried as hard as he could but he couldn't save me and I slipped away and died. He mentioned a few times yesterday that basically, the dream brought out something in him that made him afraid he was going to lose me. After a dream like that, I don't blame him, but I'm not going anywhere. In a really sad way, it was cute, although I hope he never has that dream again. It's hard to explain. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want him to be sad and I don't want him to be worried but it's also nice to know I'm loved that much.
I've had this stupid cold for a week or so and I called him on Friday night. I was abolutely miserable and I had to set the phone down so I could cough because those restrained telephone coughs just weren't cutting it. When I picked the phone back up, he said "Oh, my poor baby. I wish I could do something to make you feel better. I wish I was there so I could cuddle you and give you a kiss. I don't care if I get your cold. It'd be worth it." The words were sweet, but the tone of his voice is what really made me melt.
There are some things I can't put in a diary. It isn't that I won't. There's just some things that have no words. Yet, I'd like to put them somewhere so I can savor them on a bad day. Like, he has this adorable Southern accent as it is but he can fake a pretty good Brittish or Aussie accent too. I wish I could bottle up all three to listen to any time I choose. I suppose they could be put on a tape but I still can't put them here for you to read. Or the tone of his voice when I called him this afternoon and he said "I missed the most important three words that I need to say." (or something like that) and I knew what those three words were but I played along and he told me he loves me. Or the way it changes when he gets naughty. The way he makes me feel, the way he makes my stomach flip, the way I know every word he says is genuine and from the heart. The way he insists we don't start a family til we're both financially secure and have had time sort of to ourselves first. The way he's never once shown any sign of regret over me having three kids. The way writing this has me in tears, not because I'm sad, but because another human being loves me so much. And because I love him back.
Any time one enters into a relationship, they set themselves up for disappointment. Not because it will happen but simply because it could. I realize that's the chance I'm taking but it's the chance I want to take. He brings something out in me that I couldn't begin to explain but I like it. I have this mental image of myself falling backward into a pile of leaves with my hand in his as he falls with me, and that's how I feel right now. We both risk falling into a pile of rocks with leaves blown over it, but we both have our doubts that it's anything more than leaves and we're going to have fun finding out.
Now how's that for a metaphor?