damn good birth control
11:16 a.m. x February 17, 2004
Some of my readers already know the story. At least they know a short version of it. In a way there's not much of a story to tell. Then in other ways, I've cheated my diary by not writing about it because he's one of the most important things in my life.
While I like writing in metaphors and being hazy because it leaves this page open for interpretation, my writing style has become something else and my readers expect something more of me. I tell it like it is, or so you think, and to continue being fuzzy almost means I'm giving up a part of myself.
So, for those that don't know, I have a hmm... crush on someone here at diaryland. He has a hmm... crush on me. I don't know that it can be termed anything deeper than a mutual crush between very good friends. He lives too far away and we both know it but as with any crush, you always wish it were different.
crush
Function: noun
1 : an act of crushing
2 : the quantity of material crushed
3 a : a crowding together (as of people) b : CROWD, MOB; especially : a crowd of people pressing against one another
4 : an intense and usually passing infatuation
synonym see CROWD
Intense, yes. It's very intense. I would say I fit into the exception when the definition says usually passing. It isn't going anywhere any time soon.
We're seeing each other but we're not. We can't see each other in the physical sense, although we do have this date night that we both suck at showing up for.
We're not each other's one and only. I wouldn't expect him to stop everything if a girl came along that lived close to him and he wanted to hook up with her. If someone came along that was close to me, it wouldn't stop me either. It would make me exam it a lot closer because I would feel compelled to be faithful to the person that was close to me and I don't want to give up this passion for something that's going to end the next week. Maybe that's twisted devotion but oh well.
There's a chance,ever so slim, that something more could come of this. That we will be walking beside each other, hand in hand, someday. Right now there's 1,215 miles between us but when we talk, I can feel him right here. I'm not stupid though. I know that more than likely, one of us will find someone else and it'll have to end. Regardless of which one of us that is, I know I'll be sad, and it could be awkward at first. More than anything though, he's my friend. One of my best friends. I would walk beside him hand in hand even as just his friend, just because I would. If I could. But then, I'd fill up my photo collage with pictures of my little brown babies. If I could.
Right now, it's a crush, it's flirting, it's intense, it's safe, yet if I get hit on by some loser, I can still safely say I have a boyfriend without it being a lie.
I don't expect anyone but him and I to understand it. It's ours, whatever it may be.
You've got to admit though, it's damn good birth control.