Everything and nothing
12:37 p.m. x March 08, 2004
I go back and forth everyday, wrestling with my thoughts. I can't quite figure out what to do. There's this confusion. A confusion over nothing and everything. I can't put my finger on what I'm confused about, and that only makes it go deeper.
A million times a day, I think about just getting up and running, without turning back. My need for an escape scares me. I don't think I'd do anything that would put myself in danger, but just the idea that I need to escape is scary, in and of itself.
Far too much alcohol one night, and reading until dawn the next. Entries in my paper journal that span as much as 6 pages, all written from somewhere inside of me and completed in mere minutes. So much to say, and nowhere to say it. Even when I do write, it isn't what I'm really thinking. It's the superficial thoughts that I hide behind so that everyone will know that I'm 'okay'.
I don't like worrying people. I am alright, truly, but when I have a weak moment, I don't know how to put it into words and I'm not so sure if I want to.
There are things that I don't want recorded, not on paper, not on a web page. Things that I haven't told anyone and doubt I ever will. But if I keep writing the superficial things, nobody will know because it's like cleaning out a closet. If I keep stuffing things into my brain without getting rid of the old stuff, the "closet" is going to overflow and spill all over the floor. So I go over things that happened years ago, in order to let them go and move on... but in moving on from them, I'm taking on more new stuff and putting it in my "closet" until it too becomes a memory that you'll read about in five or ten years. In five or ten years, are things really going to matter though? To me? To anyone? I don't really know. Then again, if I don't want it recorded now, who's to say I'll want it recorded then.
My thoughts are like a badge of honor when I've sorted through them. I can feel secure enough to record them and tell people about them. Part of the reason that I don't write emotional entries about things that are currently happening is that I can't write out the emotions as I'm feeling them. I have to have time to sort them out and get past them.
It would be so much easier to run away from this artificial world where friendship are made through wires and bits of ram, just shut it off, sell it, and make a call to Time Warner. But there are people that have been there for me and don't see it as wires and ram, they truly do care. They would care if we were neighbors and they would care if I told them my thoughts in letters sent through the mail. Those are the people that I don't want to just up and leave. They don't deserve to be treated like that. Nobody deserves to be abandoned over something to petty as me not being able to get a handle on my emotions. Especially not when they've invested so much into me, listening to me for hours and hours, thinking about me, praying for me...
So there has to be some compromise. Even sitting here for 10 minutes makes me edgy lately. And yet, I can't give less to those that truly do care about me, because I truly do care about them too.
So, I guess I'll have a drink on Friday and a good cry on Saturday, then read an entire 400 page book on Sunday. I'll escape it all somehow without leaving those I care about behind.
As my mother would say, "this too shall pass."