fuck it, I'm saying what I want.
1:25 p.m. x February 26, 2004
The entry that I accidentally err... voided out yesterday was about my first stepmom. She died 7 years ago yesterday. I was basically writing out the details of 9 years of my own personal hell on earth but I got a lot of it out just by typing it the first time. Then, a few hours later, I tried it again and I got distracted (I'm not complaining. It was a good distraction.) so I didn't finish it, but I did get enough out between both attempts to feel better.
There's a lot of bullshit that has happened to me that I really should write about. I've been holding a lot of it in for years and that gets to you after a while. No, I'm not saying that I had it worse than anyone else or whatever, but it still needs to come out.
The problem is that when I write in here, I sense a feeling like I'm being watched, and once I click that little "done!" button, I more or less am being watched. That's not such a bad thing most times and there's a lot of those pairs of eyes that I want to share the info with. Then, there's a few that don't get that respect from me. Like I said the other day, I don't want to lock up. It's too much work and it's a pain in the ass for everyone else, too.
I have a paper journal but I've gotten so used to this internet crap, that I type out my emotions better than I write them with a pen. (The odd thing is, when I make a to-do list, it has to be handwritten because the typed ones don't motivate me. Anyway...)
I really don't know why the hell I worry about it. I don't care if I'm judged... at least not enough for it to count. It's just that I like to have a certain level of privacy that's hard to explain. There's certain people that are less welcome in this diary than total, complete strangers. I can't really do anything about it though so I'm just gonna figure that they can get fucked for all I care, and I'm going to get this shit off my chest. Not to mention, there's good stuff I want to write about and they've been holding me back from that, too.
It's nobody's fault but my own.