letter to Colton
9:20 p.m. x February 24, 2006
Dear Colton,
It will be a year on Sunday since you were taken from me. So much has happened since you went away. People have gone on with their lives, but that doesn't mean your existence is forgotten. You touched my soul in the short time you were with me. As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I loved you. I will never stop. Time will go on and the pain will ease, but you have left a mark on my heart that will never fade.
You would be smiling and laughing by now. You may even be crawling. I imagine what I think you would have looked like with your daddy's complexion and my smile and I imagine your face lighting up when I walk in the room. I think of you waking up in the morning in your crib, tugging my hair as I change your diaper and get you ready for the day. These things are painful, yet somehow they bring my comfort. All I have is my imagination and very few memories of the time leading up to losing you. I try not to focus on what could have been but sometimes when I'm alone, my mind wanders and you're there.
I also imagine a full life for you in heaven. I imagine Alyssa trying to take care of you as little girls do and Noah playing with you while you look on in determination. I think of you in Grandma's arms, being rocked to sleep. These things bring bittersweet comfort too.
I added you to my online memorial today. I couldn't give you a proper grave but now I have a place to visit when I need to think of the memories and the what-ifs. The one year anniversary is the hardest. I've been through it already with your other siblings. Next year and the year after will be easier but I will be thinking of you. I can promise you one promise. I will never stop loving you.
I never got to see your face or touch your skin. I never got to hold you in my arms or nurse you and watch you grow. I would give anything to stroke your cheek just once. Instead, I have to close my eyes and pretend and it just isn't the same. I miss you beyond words, baby boy.
Know that a piece of you lives on inside me forever. You touched a lot of people during your brief time on earth. You truly are loved, my angel, wherever you are.
Love,
Mommy