Nostalgia
12:21 a.m. x 2003-10-27
Sometimes I don't write things here for fear of.. offending.. getting too open when it comes to another diarist's life.. lots of reasons.. so, tonight I feel like I have to write for the release and I hope "you" know that I'm not trying to drag you into anything or whatever.
It was a year ago today that we all went to the 90's. (Okay so it was officially yesterday that we went but if you want to get technical, we were there after midnight, plus I'm an hour ahead of that time zone now.)
Anyway, certain parts of the memories of that night have started to get foggy with time. While it didn't end up going so well for our friendship for a short time, there are parts of it that I don't want to forget. It isn't the visual memories that I'm so concerned with as it is, holding onto the feelings.. the fun of all of us hanging out, the excitement, the sexual tension, and dare I say it - the love. I know I can't go back, nor do I really want to.. not in reality.. but some memories are there begging you not to forget them, so when you do, even partially, it hurts. I can close my eyes and go back but it isn't as vivid as it used to be and I think we all have to go back sometimes.
I know I tend to hang on to the past too much sometimes, but with that, the past is what makes the future. I have memories that remind me of things I shouldn't do, and I have memories that remind me of happy times, and most of all I have memories that tell me "hey, don't settle for someone or something unless that can make you as happy as you felt while this thing was going on." My memories are like a photo album and slide show of my life and being sentimental like I am, I look at those memories as much as I look at photos of my babies.
There has always been that sexual tension there between us. I think it was there before we ever knew it was there wayyyy back when we first started chatting. When I look back on it, I can feel it.
A lot has changed since that night. Friendships have evolved, we've been with other people, our lives in general have changed in major ways, but once in a while, when the wind is faint and the weather is changing, I'll go back to those times when I was so happy with you and feel the way your body felt, smell your hair, and watch the twinkle in your eyes.. just so that I remember... because I want to.
This isn't to say I don't value you and what our friendship has become. We have our ups and downs and we have our moods, but because we've changed so much its almost like there's the you from then and the you from now, and the you from now is like family to me. Its just that once in a while, the back of my mind makes that connection that you're that person from back then and it makes me remember.