speaking in riddles
12:41 p.m. x January 20, 2004
Yes, I'm been using my diary to speak to someone specific. That someone knows who they are. It isn't out of shame that I'm not giving details. It's more a matter of privacy and not wanting to let anyone else in on my private world, just yet. There are those that will ask and it isn't anything that I want to hide. I just feel like my thoughts deserve to be sheltered for a little while longer. They're too perfect to exploit.
I'm filled with emotions and half words that I can't explain, but they're all good emotions and the words are cut in half because I'm just not sure which adjectives are worthy. Nothing is perfect enough. So, get used to me speaking in riddles for a while because right now, it's the only way I know how to speak. There is more emotion between this entry and the last one than there is in the rest of my entries, put together. It has just been so long since I felt it that I don't know how to explain it anymore.
Things that I have been holding back are hitting me all at once. Everything that I've ever wanted is right there, waiting for me. Yet, I can't just go out and get it. Everything is so impossible, but when I close my eyes, it's so real. Too good to be true? Maybe, but not for conventional reasons.
At this moment in time, I don't care. I don't know what the future holds, if it holds anything at all, but I want to live in this moment. I want to feel these things that I forget were inside of me. If nothing else comes from it, I'm learning that life does go on. You can learn to love again. There is someone out there for everyone.
"Out there", boy does that have meaning. It's like a double-edged sword. I know distance has the potential to cause me a lot of pain, yet I carry on because there's also hope. Hope that someone will be sitting behind me, with their arms around me, on a balcony in Barbados. Hope that I just might find what I'm looking for in Wal-Mart someday. At the same time, I've been down this road before. My brain is screaming to stop but I don't want to. I don't fucking want to. I want to live in this fantasy world because it makes me happy at this moment and for once, I just want to be selfish and drink it all in. I don't care if someday it'll smack me in the head and reality will be too much for me.
But what happens when I fall head over heels in love with a dream?
I think I already am.
(and how am I an Elephant?)