Back again
11:42 a.m. x October 25, 2004
As soon as Pauley calls tonight, which I'm sure he will, I'm ending it with him. I spent a lot of time thinking overnight and into today, and the more I think about it, the more I know it's what I have to do. There's so much that I'm going to miss though. I love the way he smells. That's the biggest one. The way he winks at me. His independence. His sense of humor. The way it feels to cuddle up to his back in bed, or to have him cuddled up to mine. The way he holds my hair out of the way when we have sex. The way it felt to dance with him the other night. His eyelashes. All of it.
I keep reciting over and over just what I'm going to say to him, in my head. It all sounds weak and I'm afraid he'll counter it, I'll cave, and I won't end it. I'm not ending it because I want to. I'm doing it because I have to. I have that 98 Degrees song stuck in my head.
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you i don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you
And on top of it, John's at it in his livejournal again. Doesn't he think I feel guilty enough? Fuck. I know he's been hurt. I don't need to have insults aimed at me over and over again. I get tired of defending myself. I never said anything I did was truly justified, but you ask for reasons, and I give them. What more can I do?
Jessica made the offer that I could come stay upstairs in her house, as soon as the people up there move out. It seems like an easy solution. I'll be far enough away from Pauley that I won't have to worry about the temptation of going back, and I'll be close enough to my mother to have her to lean on. I don't want to risk ruining our friendship because we're essentially roommates either, though. It's the nicest gesture anyone's offered in a long time, though, and I am definitely considering it.
I'm not a praying woman, but I think I'm about to start. This is tough.