How do you title something like this?
11:59 p.m. x October 24, 2004
I want to write. I need to write. Please don't judge anything I'm about to say, and unless you're just offering me a hug, please don't even leave me a note over it.
I'm on the verge of tears. I feel like I'm ready to break. Hormones? Stress? I don't know. Could be any number of things. I know I've been headed down the wrong path for a while now, and I can't play tough girl anymore. I'm hiding emotions from myself and it's to the point where I can't identify them. I look at diary entries from before I lost my internet in August, and I don't even recognize myself anymore. Where did I go? Why did I go there?
What led me to that apartment a month ago? It was probably one of the best nights of my life, I did everything right, and it's slipping away because he really isn't worth hanging onto, and yet I do it anyway. I fully intended to break it off with John anyway because he was driving me nuts with his constant references to sex and the trip we were supposed to be on this very weekend, but I could have waited to sleep with someone else and start a go-nowhere relationship with him for a few more days. I was supposed to be making a collect phone call and instead I was staring at another man's ass, thinking about how bad I wanted him, yet fighting it.
Now I have no choice but to avoid Pauley because I've been grounded from the van like a little child. Ron's right, he's no good for me, but I feel so fucking stuck. I don't want to give up on this Ohio thing yet, but how am I doing any better than I was in Illinois? In fact, I'm doing worse.
I'm 25 years old with 3 1/2 kids, no education to speak of, a loser boyfriend, nowhere of my own to live, no job, and feeling like I'm the only person in my world. I don't even understand myself anymore. How can I expect anyone else to? I've been way too casual with my body, to the point that I won't even write about some of the shit I've done because I'm so embarrassed by it. About the only thing I haven't done is prostitute myself. I make damn sure it doesn't affect my kids, but then, if I'm this out of it, isn't that affecting them anyway?
December's quickly approaching and that's always a tough month for me so I have got to get my head straight before then or I don't know where I'll end up, mentally.
The first thing I have to do is to break it off with Pauley completely. I won't keep him from his kid if he chooses to be around, but I, personally, can't do this. He has this hold on me and I can't have that. He's starting to drag me down his path and I don't want to go there. If any other man had done the shit he's done in the past month, I would have kicked his ass and asked questions later.
What the fuck was I thinking??? I know I can't change him and I never bothered to try or hope he'd do it on his own, but I let it go too far and I've been so seriously walked on that I'm ashamed to give the details. I've broken promises to myself, one major one especially, and I need to know why. It isn't something any of you can give me the answer to. I can't explain it to myself, and I always over-analyze my own mind. If there's anyone that can get me to do anything, it's him, and I have to get away from him. I'm not desperate to be with someone, and I've never really minded being alone, but for some reason I find myself bending over backwards to do anything he asks, and considering that I can't honestly say that I love the man, that's just not right.
This whole situation is fucked up, and I have to work my way out of it. I feel like I'm swimming upstream, against an undercurrent. Ending it is going to hurt though, and even though I know that's what I have to do, it won't be easy. Please don't say I told you so. My conscience told me so already or I wouldn't be writing this.
This is my diary, and in time I may admit the things I've done as a way of trying to heal and shake myself back to normal. The only thing stopping me now is that eyes are watching me. I'm not asking anyone to go away, but if you feel the need to judge me when the time comes, I will.
I've fucked up big time, and I have to get out of this on my own.
As I read back on what I just wrote, I come off sounding like I'm addicted to drugs or something but I assure you that's not at all what I'm getting at.
I'm just stepping back and seeing how much I need to fix, and it's scary. Right now, I think I just need a hug.