Just another brick in the wall
3:32 p.m. x 2003-09-23
Things look a little clearer today. Not much, but it's better than getting stuck in something.
I guess what bothers me so much is that things seemed great, although I had my worries, and just after I was reassured that we and our relationship would be fine, it crashed down on me. Maybe it was a one time thing and he's not a cheater but I still can't accept it. Had I not seen it with my own eyes, I might be more forgiving and at least willing to be friends online. The fact of the matter is, I caught him in the act and because of that, he lost me. I hear enough about him from his sister, when I ask, to get me by. I know how he's doing and whether he's dating someone, etc.. but she doesn't push him down my throat either, if that makes sense.
Basically, he pushed himself down my throat yesterday (no sexual puns intended) and I choked. I don't want him back. I know that. If I did, there's too much distance. I couldn't trust him enough to carry on a relationship from so far away, and I'm not moving back with that hanging over my head to be with him. There's no other option, other than to just leave it rest. I wish he'd do that too. I know at one time I talked to him and we agreed to be friends, but I don't think he could be just friends, especially after the way he came at me yesterday.
I mean, you love me? Okay, great. You should have thought about that when you were getting it on with blondie. You miss me? Is it me and the good things about me, or getting release in the sack? You're a fool? Uhh.. yeah. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out.
I think that what bothers me isn't the thought of taking him back. It's the memories of what was, that I pushed aside out of anger. Being angry put blinders on me and I was able to focus on the last few minutes of our relationship more than anything else. Now, he's come to me with this kindness and these apologies and I see the side of him that I loved. I'm still angry. To this day I feel betrayed. I think it was better left alone, though.
Before he came along, I joked about dating and getting laid, but I wasn't interested. Yet, when he popped into my life, I decided to go for it; That I'd never know if i didn't try. I had built this wall around me that protected me. I had myself and I had my kids and my cat. That was all I needed to get me through life. (Okay, food and oxygen always help but bear with me.)
I let all that crumble. He was this absolutely gorgeous guy that was interested in me, my opinions, and my feelings. He was genuine. He made me feel special, like I was worth something. I mattered to him, and he mattered to me, and at the time, those two things were all I wanted and all I could ever hope for. He wasn't perfect but he was close, so much so that at one point I was worried he was putting on an act. I guess he was but it wasn't what I expected.
He respected me, like no other man had, when it came to my body. That was a huge turn on to me. If I didn't want sex, I didn't have to have it. It was sort of a power thing on my end, but also made me feel like he wasn't just out for sex.
See, these things are why I was so blown away at the end. I blamed him on on the outside, but on the inside, I blamed myself. That I wasn't smart enough, or pretty enough, or that I didn't sleep with him enough, things of that nature. Now I know it had nothing to do with that and that he was really just a pig dressed as something else.
I refuse to be played, and if he's sincere, great, but I refuse to take that chance. He came to me as a friend and maybe he was apologizing so we could be friends but there's a bigger part of me saying "He's trying to worm his way in. Start laying the bricks for that wall!"