I'm not always brilliant but I'm not THAT stupid
9:58 p.m. x December 09, 2004
Sometimes a person does something totally stupid and when they look back on it, they can't figure out why they did it or who they really were at the time because they way they normally are wouldn't have allowed them to put up with it. I've had a few of those stupid moments but my biggest was Pauly. The whole situation was a stupid move from the very start. However, I learned a lot about myself and I learned that I need to quit being so passive in relationships and allowing myself to get walked on. I give and give and it's easy to get taken advantage of. It's something that I have to stop and because of Pauly, I learned that.
He called tonight. Twice in fact. He left two messages. The first was telling me to call him as soon as possible. The second was a lot more demanding. Something like "You gonna fuckin' call me back tonight? I don't have all damn night."
It's the first time I've heard his voice since November 18th and we all know what that was. No calls to see how I was holding up, didn't care to find out how the d&c went, nothing. Then out of nowhere, he demands that I call him?
I'm still weak enough that after a fashion, the curiousity of it got the better of me and I did call. He really only wanted one thing. His girlfriend hasn't been around since the weekend because she works or has her kid or something (never cared enough to do more than assume). So it's mid-week and he needs a piece of ass. Sorry, but I'm not giving in. No, scratch that. I'm not sorry. Other than feeling like I have to give him credit for half of the angel I carried in my womb for 2 months and appreciating the life lesson, I owe him nothing. He still didn't ask how the surgery went, if they found out anything, whatever. I told him I wasn't interested in driving all the way over there to see him when he couldn't call for weeks until he needed sex, and told him that my stomach hurt and didn't feel like riding in that minivan for a half hour to go anywhere. He said "aww" in a caring voice... The same caring voice he used about a month ago when he said "I miss you." Back then, I asked "Why?" and he said "I don't really. It just sounded good." This time, he even acted like he was concerned when I first called and said "Well I haven't talked to you in a while. I wanted to know what you were up to." Why? To see if he could interrupt it for a roll in the hay? I don't hardly think so.
I have a shot at being with someone that lives in the same town I will once I move, although right now it's just a crush. He's a gentleman and he has respect for women and all he wants is to be treated the same way. Plus he knows how to cook and he can hold a job, and he doesn't care that I have three kids. There are other little qualities about men that are important to me, but those are the basics right there. That's pretty much all I ask. Why would I hook back up with someone like Pauly, only to lose out on that and get used and pushed to the side again, for his girlfriend(s) and his drugs?