dirty socks
1:27 a.m. x February 27, 2004
So far, I've been sitting here with this page open for five minutes, and I'm getting tired of looking at the white box with no words in it. Yet, if I knew which words I wanted to put in it, I wouldn't sit here staring at it, would I?
10 minutes....
Why is it that I can spend an hour writing my deepest, darkest secrets about my childhood and the words just pour out, but when I want to write about something that makes me really happy, I can't find the words?
15 minutes....
and I'm still staring.
For the last five weeks, I've been on a roller coaster. It's times like this, when I've had a rather crappy day, and I really just want to bury my head in a certain someone's lap and go to sleep, that the rollercoaster car goes down and almost crashes at the bottom of the slope.
When it starts climbing back up, life is perfect and I can't find anything to complain about. It makes those downward slopes more bearable and gives me a feeling like I don't ever want the ride to end.
What scares the living shit out of me is when the ride is going to be over. I shouldn't worry about it. I should just enjoy it the way it is but there's this voice in the back of my head telling me to watch out because the ride is going to crash and burn at any minute. I guess I'm preparing myself, but it's totally stupid to worry about it that much. I don't want to do anything to stop it though. I would rather have the nagging feeling and be happy, and take my chances, than give up on it right now and jump out.
If it all ends tomorrow and crashes down around me, at least I had it while it lasted and I truly was happy. That's what I keep telling myself, but that doesn't mean I want it to end. I want more late Saturday nights and casual compliments. I want more deep conversations and contests on who's more silly. I feel 16 again, and I feel a sense of peace and happiness, not to mention, a huge boost in my self-confidence.
Most of all, I feel respected. Respected enough to want to pick up his dirty socks... something I swore I'd never do for anyone again.