this is so depressing you might not wanna read it
11:37 a.m. x 2002-12-03
I went to bed really early last night. It was rather nice, actually. The thing is, usually I get up at an odd hour if I go to bed too soon. Not this time. I slept til like 10 or something. I think I'm coming down with something. There seems to be nothing better in my world than sleep right now. I just want to lay in bed and cuddle in my covers every chance I get. Really, it has nothing to do with being depressed or anything. I just have no energy for anything and I would rather be there---> than here or doing anything else. It isn't helping that my bed is within eye-shot (is that a word) of me right now and I really wanna crawl back in it.
I was up and down a lot from about 7 on, though, so I didn't actually get to sleep for those last 3 hours. Alicia can only do so much for the kids, ya know. I got up and fed them because I feel guilty when someone else has to, and I got a movie going for them, plus they were fighting and I had to get up for that.. the baby woke up and I had to change her and give her a bottle.. I had to pee..
It really was a busy 3 hours, yet I kept making my way back to my warm bed.
And speaking of my bed, I could use a new one. The one I have is really old, and the springs are shot. For now, I just keep replacing the egg crate pad, though. There are more important things to me than whether I had to find a certain angle to sleep so I can avoid springs digging in.
I need to find a rich man and snatch him up so I can have a new bed.
Oh, and about Christmas presents:
I figure I can afford at least $50 a kid. That's not really that bad and if I plan it carefully and remember to put the locks on the fridge to save on the grocery bill, I should be all good and maybe even be able to go higher than that on the christmas budget. Those frames with the pictures really did help me out too. That takes care of all of the adults on my list, with the exception of 3. I have to give my mom more than just a picture frame, so I thought I'd get her a sweater. The other 2 read this so I can't discuss those gifts. I just feel bad because on TV, there's this big tree with hundreds of dollars in gifts for each person and I can't do all that. If I was rich, I probably still wouldn't. I dunno. I guess I just feel sorry for myself. Regardless though, I feel bad going to charity when I know that there are people out there that would have to go without food to buy their kids even just a family dollar toy and I'm not that bad off. I also think their father should contribute a little extra to me for gifts but I know he won't. Not when he can go out and out-do me with the money instead.. I suppose if I asked him, he would, but after the other night I don't wanna ask him for anything. I don't even wanna have to call him in case of an emergency. I wish he'd just kinda fade away and still pay the child support. I know how awful that sounds but I hate him and I hate him even more when I change my clothes and see the bruises on my legs from the desk that fell on me, or think about how he told me I'm nothing but a cyber whore and a pussy eating bitch who was going to run off to minnesota with his kids last summer.
Add that to my general dislike for Christmas... no wonder I just wanna lay in bed all the time.