A further explanation
10:30 p.m. x December 29, 2005
So about my earlier entry, I had to think it over and come back to it but here's the situation (no judgements or advice please. I'll do my own thing no matter what anyway and everyone should know it by now.):
As my diary stated a few months ago, even though Louie and I broke up, we've been consistently intimate since July or August and things have been running cold lately. He's been cold to all of his friends, so I have to think clearly on that and know it isn't just me. Anyway, things have been running cold.
When we're together, things seem fine but he's been blowing me off constantly. The only way I get to see him half the time is to just show up. Then we have sex and cuddle and all is right with the world again so I go back to thinking we're okay. I know we're just friends and I know we're fucking and there's no committed relationship. I'm clear on that but there's a level of intimacy involved that I can't explain and it seems like as soon as I walk out the door, it goes away.
It's been one excuse after another and all on their own are reasonable but when you combine that and the fact that it's like pulling teeth to get him to answer the phone, the implications are obvious. So a couple weeks ago, I asked him flat out if it was me he was confused about and he said no. He wasn't feeling too emotionally well that day but he seemed to do his best to let me know we, as fuck buddies or whatever, were okay. Then the next day, he wrote in his blog and the very last line said "Some chicks just don't know how to take a hint to piss off."
I'm the only "chick" that could fit that scenerio and I gave him a chance... several chances... to tell me as much. Don't hint. Just tell me.. Tell me to fuck off, tell me to fuck you, tell me to stop fucking you but not to fuck off... the options are endless and I'd accept any of them but don't make me look like some crazy bitch that is stalking you. I can't read minds.
The only thing I can do is guess, I suppose. I don't know what he wants, or doesn't want, from me anymore. I just know that chasing after something that isn't even real is draining me too much when I'm not even wanted.
I might take the hint better if he didn't pull me into the bedroom or kiss my tummy or stroke my hand. He's had two weeks since he wrote that to come out and tell me. Instead, he takes his piece of ass willingly and then blows me off for days again. What kind of clear hint is that? If you're trying to politely give someone the brush off, you don't finger them.... or whatever.
So I read that blog tonight. It was written two weeks ago but still. Then tonight, we end up meeting up at Jes and Andy's, after he had told me he'd be there so if I wanted to stop by, yadda yadda... and when Jes went to bed, I could easily read the look on his face that said "Aren't you leaving?" Well, no I'm not. Not yet. And when I'm ready to, remember my ass as it's walking away.
I don't mean that. I'd still do anything for him, on a friendship level. I already do. I just think I deserve better than to be made out to be some psycho and then fucked 3 days later.