FB and I don't mean football
11:50 p.m. x 2003-07-17
I've always had this thing against friends with benefits (I call them fuck buddies so we'll just call them FB's for the entry).
Since I was about 15, I've come up with this phobia of sorts because there was this guy I was involved with as a FB. He totally used me. He'd avoid all romance and intelligent conversation and do the deed then show me to the door. Well, this was fine because I knew that a lot of guys were like that, especially at that age. That is, until I looked out my door and he was leading another girl into his apartment by the hand with this sickeningly sweet smile on his face. I didn't see what went on behind the closed door, but I was pretty sure that there was intelligent conversation and romance going on. Maybe you had to see the look on his face. Anyway, I gave him another chance and still didn't get the same treatment as her or even close, so I gave him excuses to not be with him and went on with my life. See, I knew it wasn't about a relationship but just for those few minutes, I wanted to be made to feel special and like I mattered. I felt that if I was the friend/buddy I deserved to be treated at least as that while we were doing our thing. I wasn't going to ask for commitment. I already had that elsewhere (shhh) but I didn't want to feel used. Jokingly using someone is different but I think you all get my drift. I've learned a lot since I was 15 but I've always had issues with the whole thing because of that.
So, fast forward to Joe. I had probably 2 FB's between that time. They were a bit more respectful but I know I can't be THAT bad in bed and once was enough for them. Anyway, with him, looking back on it he might as well have been one. The offer was more or less made but he wanted the commitment. (Go back about 2 months and read if you weren't back then) So, he could have just done his thing and went on his way without all the seriousness. I was prepared for it by then and if we would have went that route it would have been a lot easier, considering how it all ended. Had I walked in on him as his FB, it would have been nothing and I may have even called him the next day to take my turn. Instead, he decided I was going to be lied to over it and he was going to have a FB too. I hope he knows what this is costing him and I hope he's not getting any because he can't get it up without a shooting pain through the balls that makes him go soft.
So what I'm leading up to is that after all of that, I've decided I'm not up for the complexities of a relationship because its too much hassle for me. Maybe later in life but for now I'm not game for all that. You've been living with a lampshade over your head for the last year and a half or so if you think I'm only talking about guys as far as my preference but anyway, male or female, as long as we mesh well and I don't feel like I'm being used, I'm all for having a FB right now. I mean I'm really all for it.