Maybe.....
9:20 p.m. x June 24, 2006
I'm lonely. I mean, I am surrounded by my kids, and I know there are lots of people out there that care about me. I just... I don't even know.
For one thing, I'm starting to feel that yearning like one ends up feeling when they're involved in an internet relationship. In a situation like that, it is more a matter of wanting to be with someone that is too far away and fighting the knowledge that you need more than you're going to get, through no fault of anything except distance. It isn't like that for me, obviously. I can easily drive down the road and be with someone, assuming I had a babysitter, but deep down, I know it isn't real. I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to not be blown off, and I deserve to feel special. Not to say that I don't feel special a lot of the time, but there's always something, some little reminder, that what I have with Louie is half of what I need. Sometimes it's a look, sometimes it's a hesitation, sometimes, it's a phrase. There's just always something there. I walk around with a constant thought it my head of how I'm not allowed to admit my feelings because if I let on, he'll get scared and bolt. When we're laying in bed together and he's already asleep, I think to myself "I love you more than life itself. Can't you just give me a little bit back? How can you not see how I feel? Is it that you just don't care? Is there something in you somewhere that makes you hold onto me, even though you're too afraid to show it?" Phrases like that run through my head until I'm too tired to repeat them mentally and I fall asleep. When I wake up, the record starts playing in my head all over again.
I can't read his mind and I can't make him admit anything, and maybe a part of me doesn't want to bring it up, because when I get close, he pulls back. I've bent over backwards for over a year to do this... relationship on his terms. Most of the time, I don't even mind. It has advantages. I have my getaway. I have peace when I want it. I have someone... but I only have a part of someone. His actions make it quite clear that I don't stand a chance if I want more. Not that he's mean to me by any means... He does a lot for me, but those are things, and they're from a friend, not a boyfriend. I don't want anyone else and I don't want to lose him. I just wish I could have more of him, but saying as much will mean having less of him.
I know how I feel about him but at the same time, sometimes I wonder if he's just a substitute for being alone, which is what we pretty much agreed this would be to begin with, but after a year of it, I guess I just expected more... even though I know I shouldn't. We have an agreement, an arrangement. Best friends with benefits. He is my best friend to a point, but there's this wall there that's built up by the sexual aspect of it. Then again, if I gave up on the sexual aspect of it, I'd lose my best friend. Maybe that's what scares me. We're way too attracted to each other to just be friends. We tried. I'm the one that opened my big mouth and said I thought we were meant to fuck even if we weren't meant to be together. I'm the one that said I could handle fucking him a couple of times a week and going home. Those were drunken words from someone that was so deeply in love with someone that she didn't want to go on without him and at the time, if all I got was that little piece of him, that's what I'd take. We've all had that line of thinking when we've had our hearts broken. I've thought it before. It's just that nothing ever came of it. This time around, it worked. If nothing else, all of my what-ifs from past break-ups have been answered.
A lot of this is just me being depressed, but I miss knowing I could snuggle into him and the whole world would go away, and it would just be us against the world that didn't seem to exist. A lot of people say that soap opera and movie love don't exist. They can. I had it once. It was the most perfect, pure thing I'd ever experienced. I could watch a movie and know that we were just like that, instead of doing what most women do and thinking "Gee, I wish my man was like that." My man was like that.
Now I watch the same movies and cry for what I had. I can't watch Dirty Dancing anymore at all, and that used to be my favorite movie... or one of them, anyway.
I just want him to come up behind me in the kitchen and wrap his arms around me, or kiss my forehead when he thinks I'm sleeping. It's just the little things. We've come so far in a lot of ways, but at the same time, there's so much that I miss. Maybe it's just because it's that time of year. It was a year ago that he asked me to move out. The smell in the air reminds me of the disappointment in his face at the prospect of our relationship. I watched it all fall apart and tried to fight to hang on, but couldn't, and the way the sun shines at certain times of the day reminds me of the desperation I felt last year at this time. The way the moon shines on him in the middle of the night reminds me of the last night that I lived there, and how he cuddled up to me and held me all night long, and then we started to make out and it gave me a glimmer of hope for all of ten minutes, til he woke up enough to realize what he was doing and push me off. I wait for the day when he repeats the words "I don't want to do this anymore." and this time it'll really be over. Once we stop doing what we're doing, there will be no more. How could there be? Like I said, we can't just be friends.
I don't know if it's my imagination because of the past or something I recognize in him from the past, but I have this horrible feeling. I don't want to complain about him because I feel like I'm blowing that time on frustration when I could be enjoying what could be the end of us.
I'm too damned scared to confront him. I don't want to hear the answer. I can't be any more giving emotionally than I already am. I am not perfect. It's exhausting to pretend to be. It's like I'm walking a tight rope here.
I am not ready to give up on him. I am willing to stick it out til he calls it off. I just hate being so powerless. I'm stuck. I can't speak up because I don't want to ask too much of him, but I want more, and I want it from him.
Someday I will read this, once it's over for a while and the dust settles, and I will know I was an idiot, but right now I'm too paralyzed to do anything to fix it.
I don't even need words to reassure me. I just need actions. They mean more anyway. Even up til a month ago, that fire was there. It wasn't all that long ago that he grabbed me and made out with me as we were walking in the door until we were tripping over each other. Wednesday night, I got a chicken peck.
He has his depressive moments, too, and although I don't wish him any harm mentally or physically, I hope it's just that and not anything to do with me. Maybe something happened to him at this time of year that makes him go all weird. That would explain why one week he was all over me and the next, he was breaking up with me. I am petrified of a repeat. Maybe I'm the weird one. Maybe my doom cloud is getting the best of me.
I want to call him and just hear his voice, but I don't even have anything to say. Not to mention, I already called him a total of three times today.. two times I got his voicemail and the third, I asked him what kind of cologne he wanted. If he doesn't have to be to work til 12, I risk waking him up again, and I don't want to do that, but I need to connect with him somehow.
I need to connect with him in the same way one does when they're in a long distance relationship and can't see the person they love.