Noah Blaine
8:08 p.m. x 2002-12-22
I made it through this weekend, which worried me immensely. Today marks the three year anniversary of when I had my D&C for my molar. I was really dreading this day and I thought I'd be laying in bed from the 20th to the 22nd, depressed and shut away from the world.
Okay, so I was in bed all weekend and I was shut away from the world, but I didn't do it because I was depressed. I did it because I was just plain tired.
I can't really credit the medication. 3 or 4 doses isn't enough to work already. I'm still getting manic here and there since I started taking it. I haven't been depressed, but I think it's more timing than anything else.
Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about meds. I came here to talk about making it through 3 years.
I'll always miss my baby. I'll always wonder where he would be. He'd be 2 1/2 now. He'd be talking and potty training. I'd be teaching him the ABC song and how to count to 10. He'd be running around in one of those one piece outfits that snap up the legs, probably with Elmo or Mickey Mouse on it.
I didn't choose his name until after I lost him, so I wonder what I would have named him. I wonder what color hair he'd have. I wonder if he'd look more like me or his dad.
Yet, with each day, the wondering becomes less and less. I've made it three years without him in my arms, and I'd like to think he's in a better place. I'm in the air about what a better place is. I'm not sure about my religious beliefs. I do still hope that there's some afterlife and he's running around in his jumpsuit, running up to my dad or my grandma, to hear a story and listen to the ABC song. Because of the timing of my dad's death, I wonder if he passed away so he could be where ever so he could be a grandpa to my little Noah Blaine.
I also like to think that Kimberley needed someone to clear a path for her... that Noah's life was given to spare little Stalone's life (a son of a friend of mine who was due on the same day as Noah and later was abused by his dad and almost died) and later Kimberley's. I like to think that his life was given to give me a greater appreciation for the children I do have.
I'd go through all the loss and blood tests and fear of cancer all over again, just to look into the eyes of my little Kimberley for the first time, all over again. My belief that he's out there somewhere gives me a sense of peace and helps me to know that everything that has happened since, happened for a reason.
I love you little guy, and I always will. You'll always be alive in Mommy's heart.