Blah
9:35 a.m. x October 22, 2004
I'm going to say what I have to say and be done with it. The italics are either John's words or my quoted words from my entry from yesterday afternoon.
I read Carla's first DiaryLand journal entry since she got back online yesterday and it broke my heart again. I thought we had had something together, but I guess I was wrong:
What I wrote had a warning in the title, directed at you. That was the only part of it that was directed at you. It's not like I wrote that entry out of spite. I was updating my diary.
The shitty end of this is that John got left in the wings for me to do all of this, and I do feel bad about that but it happened.
I started to see John as just a friend and kinda lost interest after the July trip. It's not his fault at all, but without the cuddles and the kisses and the ability to read body language once I already had it for a very intense week, things just fizzled out.
I didn't say it automatically went down the shitter, but when you don't feel something for someone anymore, it isn't something that can be controlled. As for quoting my locked diary, that pisses me off. It's locked for a reason. It does me no good to lock it if I'm being quoted all over the net and people can google you to read me.
Just a friend? I knelt down before this woman on July 5th of this year and asked her to marry me, and she said yes, and this is the result?
Yes, just a friend, but not right away. It was a beautiful night and it's something I won't ever forget. It was a great week. It just wasn't meant to last. It doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be. It just wasn't meant to be forever.
What was it all for, I wonder? What was any of it for?
It was for two people that, at that time, had plans of being together forever. At that time, my intentions were nothing but sincere. I thought I was in love with you. There's only three people I've ever agreed to marry (and thanks to the republicans, one of them never would have happened, even if we did stay together). You were one of them. I don't just say yes for everyone. I've had the subject brought up in other relationships. My response: "Fuck no, I'm not getting married. It's nothing personal but I'm not doing it."
I barely held it together at work last night. I got through it and came home to see if she had posted anything else. She did: a recount of her night out with her new man, in detail. It was the final straw.
This is my diary, to write any details of my life I choose to share, so I can go back and read it in the future and see how life has changed, to recall what I did in my past, and to reflect on life. It was a night that I knew I'd eventually want to reflect on, so I wrote about it. I did leave out a lot of details though. Minors read this thing. You can ask me in im if the guy is bisexual and how big his cock is, but I can't write about dancing with him and vaguely talking about my sex life in my own diary? I don't think so.
I don't know what to do. I haven't felt this bad since the Julie years in high school, and those were bad, to say the least.
I'm no Julie. I would have broken it off if I could. Was I supposed to use Pauley's phone to do it or what? I'm not leading you on in any way. I've made it pretty clear that we're just friends.
I should move on, but why? This isn't the first time this has happened to me, but this just kills me inside. I've seen so many of my hopes and dreams die over they years for numerous reasons, that I had given up on them long before I met Carla.
Yes, you shold move on, because there's real life out there. There's someone that will love you for who you are and accept your quirks, and they don't live 500 miles away so you'll be able to hold them, touch them, make love to them when you want to, kiss them, look into their eyes, everything. You won't have to yearn for transporter beams and daydream of them until it aches.
Yet when Carla came into my life, I had dreams and hopes again. I actually had been able to fall in love with this woman and think about marriage and having kids together, things I hadn't dared dream about in years. And now this...
You still have dreams and hopes. You know that as well as I do. Your sorrow is trying to drown them out and your endorphins are telling you you're going to fall apart without me but you will make it, one day at a time. Your brain needs an endorphin fix, and my diary entry told it that it wasn't going to get one.
It feels like my world has been wiped out, and all life on it eradicated. It has become like Mars: barren, cold, and devoid of life. I don't care if I even go to work next week, much less go to App State anymore. It seems everything I have ever wanted has been taken away from me by forces outside of my control, and this time, I thought I had finally won something special after all the defeats in my life. But now I feel like the biggest loser on the planet.
That's what grief is. It passes in time. You've made it through far worse and you will make it through this. Don't cry for what you don't have, smile for what you experienced. (Not that it isn't okay to cry because it is but you know what I mean.)
Maybe this will pass and I'll feel better soon, but I am not sure. I've been through a lot in my life, but this is the lowest I have ever been. As I write this, I am shaking and crying, because it seems like the last, best hope I had for happiness is gone, and I don't know if I even want to try anymore.
You shouldn't want to try right now. You'll find someone on the rebound and she'll just get hurt. You owe yourself time to heal. There's no rush to replace me. It hasn't even been a month.
Hell, I don't know if I want to live anymore. The world wouldn't miss me. My family just considers me an inconvience, especially my sister, so I guess they'd be glad I was gone. I don't have any close friends, because I am so damned introverted and afraid of being made a fool of like I was in high school and college.
I can't make you extroverted. I'm the last one that could do that. Your life should be more valuable than the worth of some girl, and that's what I am. Some girl. Your family does love you, they're just weird. Quit worrying about everyone else and take care of you. If you don't, who will?
Why me, Lord? Why did this have to happen to me? I don't want much in this life, and yet even that seems unachievable now.
You'll get by. You're in this big rush, yet you don't want to let go, and that's not the time to look for someone else. IT isn't fair to them.
I don't know if I have the strength to go on anymore. I really don't. Why bother anyway?
Because if you don't, there's no going back. Death is final. Very final. However, I feel like you're using suicide as a way to manipulate me. I've had enough of that for one month. It won't work for you, or anyone else. It isn't worth your life. It's like virginity. Once it's gone, it's gone.
I'm sorry this is a long entry, but I had to put this out there, because I just can't take this pain anymore. I've tried my damnedest to be strong and move on, but reading what she wrote tore me apart.
I write what I write. You choose to read it. It isn't like you weren't warned. You should know that someone that's involved with someone else won't hide it in their own personal place. This is just that for me.
I can't write anymore. I just need to curl up in bed and try and get some sleep.
sleep well.