A quick rundown
5:48 p.m. x November 21, 2004
I'm okay physically. I've been a little crampy and the insides of my legs hurt, but all in all, I'm doing good. No heavy bleeding or anything, and none of the rest of the warning signs they gave me have showed up.
I'm doing better emotionally too. It was pretty rough those first couple of days. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not over it and I don't think I ever will be. It's just a little easier now that it's had a chance to sink in that the baby is gone.
They're going to run some tests to see if they can find a cause for it, genetically. I don't expect them to, but by examining the chromosomes, I'll get to find out what the sex was so that'll allow for a little closure. I want to do something to memorialize the baby but I'm not sure what yet. I don't want to plant a tree because I move too much and I wouldn't get to watch it grow, but there's other things I could do. I don't know what I'll decide on.
To all of those that have offered support in various ways, thank you. It really helped that none of you said too much. Others, outside of my little diaryland circle, have said that the baby is in a better place, that it was meant to happen, etc, and I didn't need to hear any of it. I know they meant well, so I'm not exactly angry over it, but when the time comes that I'm laying in bed having a breakdown at 2 a.m. over the loss of my baby, I won't be going to those that stuck their foot in their mouth already. I don't know how to explain what I'm trying to say, but anyway, I appreciate everything that everyone here did, just by saying a few words and leaving it at that.
I told Pauly on Thursday night and he seemed a bit taken aback by it, asked if I was holding up okay, and asked about the procedure, but I haven't heard from him since. It's better that way though, really.
My mom gave me the usual lines about how I really didn't need another kid anyway, and she doesn't mean for it to sound as cruel as it comes out, but it still hurts... it kinda drove a wedge between us, although I know it'll mend in time.
I told John what happened, and he tried to be supportive (which I am thankful for, considering what I did to him) but it got to where I felt like I had to support him and his grief over it, so now I just tell him I'm fine. I don't have the strength to hold someone else's emotions together.
Ron hasn't said a whole lot. He's helped out here and there, and offered his sympathy, but I think he feels a little awkward over it, so I just leave it alone. If I break down in tears, he knows why I'm doing it, and he lets me have my space.
Jessica and I convinced a guy over IM that we were dominatrixes and used to work in the same dungeon, before I moved to Ohio, and the laughs I got out of that have really helped me a lot. It doesn't matter how down you are, when some guy types out "Please Mistress, don't hit me with your giant robot arm" it's gonna get a laugh out of you. Despite it being online, that night is going to go down in history as one of the funniest ever for me. She, and a lot of other people, really helped, just by being there for me, "listening" when I had something to say, and waiting patiently when I didn't, and if I could, I'd give you all a big hug for it.
This entry isn't coming out the way I wanted to, but I wanted to write it while I wasn't totally emotional so I could get it all out.
I guess that's all for now.
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it look as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday