troubled
12:08 a.m. x November 24, 2004
I'm bothered.
John and I have made amends to the point of friendship, and I definitely understand that he's been hurt, so I'm doing my best to be patient with him. I understand he's hurt and that he loves me, still. I'm not out to be mean to him but if I say anything to him, I know he'll be more hurt. I don't think he deserves that. He may have done some things out of spite toward me when we first broke up, but it's understandable, considering.
Still though, everything reverts back to our relationship when I chat with him. It doesn't matter what I talk about, he finds a way to relate it to something that was said or done when we were together. I guess I understand why, because I've been guilty of the same thing in past relationships. It's just that I eventually got over it and stopped. He still talks about things that happened 15 years ago as if they happened yesterday, and repeating the same stories over and over. We're not talking vague mentions here and there either. That's fine, and not really my point. What I'm getting at is that he's probably going to be rehashing the entire Charlotte trip and the relationship we had in 15 years, just like he does with this other stuff.
It's really hard to bite my tongue and not be rude. I don't think he deserves to be shut out, so I talk to him, and I don't think he deserves to be insulted, so I just give brief replies like "uh huh" or "Yep, me too." when he brings it up. Which is often.
I don't know... I probably won't do anything about it, I'm just blowing off steam so I don't blow up at him, because I don't think he really deserves that.
Tonight he ended what could have lead to a relationship with somebody else because he's not over me. I think that's admirable, but it bothers me. I guess I kinda hoped he'd get wrapped up in this other person and we could be friends without so many references to the past.
While I understand where he's coming from (I'm sorry Tangy. Now I know how nuts I must have driven you.) I have my own things to get over and move on from. I can't live stuck in a week in July forever. I have to move on from the death of my baby. I have to get over everything that happened with Pauly. I have to move forward and get ready for a move back to Illinois in February. I have three living children to concentrate on. The list is endless.
I wrote a story for Ronda. Not for her as in aimed it at her from me, but for her to claim as hers and send it to someone else, last night. In the course of my conversation with John, I had to pause so I could help her copy paste it to a new email, then ended up having to go into her account and do it for her, so I explained what I was doing. I showed him her version of the story, and then I showed him what I rewrote and finished for her. He suddenly convinced himself that I was thinking of him as I wrote the story, because it took place in a hotel room. That wasn't it at all. I was imagining people I don't know meeting at an airport and then going to a hotel. I do see similarities in some of that, but he thought the earlobe suckling was based on something to do with him. While I did suck his earlobes in July, I'm not the only person that does that, and he's also not the only person I've done it to. Then we moved from that to him saying he wished we could work out a friends with benefits relationship but he knows that it wouldn't be good for either of us. Well let's see. I just lost a baby. Babies are made because of sex. I'm not really in the mood right now because of that connection, and even if the doctor did say it was okay and I wanted to have sex with someone, it wouldn't be with someone so far away. I thought I had made it clear that I needed someone real, and close to me geographically. What I ended up saying, so as not to be too cruel, was something like "In order to have a friend with benefits, you have to be able to have physical contact so you can have sex. Anything else is just a cyber sex fest."
Maybe that was a bit harsh, but I was trying not to explode at him and that was the best I could do.
He's a good man and he could make someone happy if he were willing to step up and try. I know it's a little soon for that for him, but living in a past with me that isn't going forward won't help his future, and I don't know how to explain that to him without hurting his feelings more than I already have. We're not right for each other, and if I had known that back in March, I wouldn't have put him through all of this but now I do know and I'm not going to give in to him to make him happy while sacrificing myself and what I need. He does deserve to be happy, but so do I, and I can't do that with him. It's not his fault. It just isn't the way I feel my life should lead, and who wants to spend their life with a partner that's miserable because they only see you as a friend?