Guess I'll stay put.
11:55 p.m. x February 16, 2006
After careful consideration, I've decided to just fill in the blanks of the past year and stay here. It's easier for me, and once the whole story is told, it'll be easier for my readers to understand what I'm talking about.
A lot of it has to do with Louie, because he has been a major part of my life during that time. Besides, aren't diaries designed to write about boys?
I already wrote about how I was pregnant and lost the baby, so I guess I'll pick up there.
When things were good between us, they were really good. He was moody, but what man isn't? Then in early July, he decided he wanted me to move out. The kids were getting to be too much for him but he promised we were going to stay together. I know that sounds awful, but you have to put yourself in his shoes. He was a single man with a cat when I met him. His only responsibilities were feeding her, doing his laundry, and going to work. Then he makes a comment about me having hot ass and bam, instant family. It was a lot to take on in 6 months.
I knew though, that when he asked me to move out, it was over. No matter how hard I tried, it was like I couldn't bring myself to be loving to him because every time I managed, wondering if it was the last time ripped me in half. I could feel him slipping away and I couldn't hang on. I would do my best to be normal when he was there but as soon as he'd leave for work, I'd cry myself to sleep and wake up angry. Every night, for about 2 weeks.
Things always went way too fast for us. A week seemed like a month, not in a bad way... it just did. After the first month of us being together, it felt like we had been together forever. That's great when the reality of it is that it's a new thing. When it gets comfortable, it isn't.
Everything pretty much turned to shit and I don't think I've been so miserable in my life. I even remember, during one night of crying, muttering "I'm just not happy." but I loved him too much to be the one to let go. I had to let him do it and wish it wasn't happening. Then one day he up and said he didn't love me anymore. A lot of shit was said and most of it was from me and not meant.
The one thing I did say was that I was done with relationships. Ask me in a year, but for now I still feel that way.
I immediately packed my shit and left and went to stay with a friend from work. She can be moody anyway but she was in her first trimester of her pregnancy, so it just didn't work. She'd tell me not to do the dishes because she liked to clean, then hang a sign on the fridge that said "You eat off it, you wash it." I have been pregnant. I understand the reason behind it but I figured it wasn't my kid and she wasn't family so I didn't have to put up with it.
Even though Louie and I had broken up, we were trying to build a friendship that seemed to always lead to sex when were alone. He'd be affectionate til afterward, then turn to ice and say "We really need to stop this." We actually made it 2 weeks without sleeping together once.
Then, in there somewhere I met this guy at the bar. I was pretty loaded and I was dumb enough to go home with him. Once I got there, I freaked out and made a different friend come get me. Part of it was a fear that I didn't know this guy at all and he very well could be married, or worse. The other part of it was that when he grabbed my hand, I looked at it and it wasn't Louie's and I felt like I was being unfaithful. I still feel bad for ditching the guy but not bad enough to do anything about it.
That's when I called him and said no more. I had to get over him and I wouldn't be able to move on if we kept hanging out and ending up in bed. That lead to another sex hiatus and we were doing really well, so I called him on a thursday night because I was bored (by then I had moved in with Ron's sister because I got sick of Jaci's hormones) and he was at the bar. He invited me down for a drink and when I finished it, I was going to drink a glass of soda and go home but he insisted I not let him drink alone. I asked him if I could go to his house because it was closer so I could sober up and he agreed, and in my drunkeness, I laid on the couch and put my legs over his lap. He made some comment about molesting me and I said "I'd rather be molested than get a DUI." so, he did. Not that I wasn't willing. That was awesome sex. Probably some of the best from him.
After we were done, I said "We may not have been meant to be together, but we were meant to fuck." He agreed but said we'd see how we felt when we sobered up. Apparently, we felt the same because we've been doing it ever since.
We're not in a relationship. I suppose I can only speak for myself, but there's all of the perks of being his girlfriend and very little of the bullshit. He still has his moods. As you may have read, he had one hell of a mood around Christmas. The difference is that I get to go home. I don't have to sit there and wait for it to smooth over. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I'm only the equivalent of a girlfriend when he wants me to be. I suppose that's okay because the feeling can be mutual. It may not make sense to anyone else, because of the nature of our friendship, but I'm over him. Well, the relationship anyway. I've found that knowing he's there when I need him, and I can go home and be me when I don't, works out quite well. I do pull the boyfriend card when I have to, like today with this creepy wanna be Goth guy at work. I have also tried to make it clear to Louie that I know where we stand. I don't think he believes me so I will probably have to have a talk with him eventually and tell him that I truly am happy with what we have and that if he did decide that he wanted more, I don't think I would.
I always go over there. He's never been here and unless I could arrange it so the kids were going to be gone for a while, he never will. The break up was confusing enough for them and I may have made the mistake then but I won't again. He's very good with kids and it isn't a trust issue but as long as we're not even in a real relationship, him and my kids don't belong around each other. He is my luxury and it's going to stay that way.
I don't want to make it seem like he's any more of an asshole than any other average guy. In fact, to volunteer to be monogamous with a fuck buddy is a highly unusual thing for a guy to do. He's very affectionate when we're together. The foreplay and after play are great, but we also cuddle before and after and he's really my best guy friend. I can tell him pretty much anything and he'll listen. I couldn't ask for better in that sense. I love him a lot, just not like that anymore. In fact, it's deeper and better than what it was when we were actually using the boyfriend/girlfriend title. Even though we felt like a week was a month, we were a new couple and still getting to know each other so we were both guarded. I think we still can be at times but not like it was then. A little self-restraint never hurt anyone.
I don't know any better way to explain us and in writing, it doesn't seem nearly as good as it is in my head, but that's what it boils down to. Seeing each other with no expectations for the future.
I have my gripes, sure. Who doesn't? This works for me though and I'm happy. That's what counts. And he's a real person. He's not some guy online. When I need to be held, I don't have to type it out on a computer. I don't associate his face with an emoticon. His house is literally 8 minutes away. I can read his body language and I know he's not really some 60 year old virgin with a fetish for dead chickens or something. I'll gladly give up the title of girlfriend for that.
So anyway, other stuff has happened too. My mom helped me buy a trailer last fall. It's about 580 sq ft so yes, it's small and no, I have nowhere to put anything, but it's my own house. It's definitely a start, and with the exception of the $300 I rightfully owe my mom, it's something I earned on my own. I don't have to live with anyone anymore. It's just me and the kids, the way it should be. As long as I can come up with $210 a month to pay the lot rent, I'm good. I can easily make that in 3-4 days. I have my struggles with money, sure. My old car had a big gas tank to fill and since it was old, the 20 minute commute to work and back sucked the gas right up. Therefore, for quite some time, I had to work every other week. Getting paid biweekly sucks. It started when I took time off to move and it took me 2 months to recover. Once I finally got enough money to pay for gas for both weeks, my checks doubled. (Obviously)
Now the bills are pretty much paid and I even have some left over. I'm getting burnt out with work though. I think I'm going to cut back my hours next week. I'll still work but not as much. I hadn't planned to this week but someone talked me into taking half her shift for this morning. I don't work Thursday mornings because I'm up late having sex and drinking Denny's coffee on Wednesdays. I got less than 3 hours sleep last night. Now I'm overtired and can't sleep. Yippee.
I guess that catches us up and I can update normally without everyone being confused. If you have any questions, ask. I've summed up a whole year into one page. I'm sure not everything will make sense, not even now.
Wish me sweet dreams. Or something.