Promises in the dark
10:53 p.m. x February 17, 2006
So all of that stuff I wrote about voluntary monogamy yesterday... I guess I lied. I'd like to think it was just a one time thing and the guilt written all over his face confirms that but I'm a little overloaded with information right now.
He went out drinking and ended up home, drunk and lonely, so this bitch slut co-worker of his called him and said "Let's hang out!"
Well one thing lead to another and I guess I got cheated on Bill Clinton style.
He was honest about it. He apparently tried to call me immediately but I was still asleep so when I saw it, I called him back and he told me he had some stuff to talk about. I was thinking he decided it was time to call it quits and I really wasn't prepared for what I heard instead. He said "Well, I was drunk and you know what a side effect of being drunk is. I kinda hooked up with someone last night."
I kinda paused and waited for more but he didn't say anything and I said "So do you plan to continue to hook up?" and he said no, but the other person may not be too understanding of that. Come to find out, long story short, it was the same bitch that's been trying to get in his pants for weeks and he's been turning her down because of me.
I explained to him that I never asked him to be faithful and I appreciated that he had done it voluntarily but it's too much to ask of a fuck buddy and I never had. He seemed pretty shocked that I didn't tell him to fuck off but honestly, what right do I have?
I was totally fine with it but then I got in the car and the radio came on and the first thing I heard was R. Kelly singing "My mind's telling me no, but my body.. my body's telling me yes." I changed the channel, only to get that song stuck in my head and the vision of what happened right along with it. It was all I could do not to cry on the phone. It isn't anger. I know he had to get it out of his system. I think he's needed to feel flattered by someone other than me for a while now. I just don't know if I stuck my foot in my mouth by saying I didn't expect him to be faithful. I meant that a one time slip up was forgiveable. I didn't mean I'd put up with it constantly.
He asked me what I really thought after he told me who it was and I said "I think you're a dumbass for not listening to me about her trying to seduce you but I told you how I feel about the rest of it."
How do I really feel? A little hurt, a lot confused, and maybe even a little jealous but not for the reason that you may think. I feel a little left out. I am the one he's supposed to call. I almost called him last night but I didn't want to wake him up. If I had, could things have been different? And not only that, I could use a little confidence boost myself. Instead, you wanna hear about my admirer? He's about 400 pounds and probably hasn't showered in a week. He has one lazy eye and he presents himself like Jethro Bodine. The only place I really go is work and I know it's a no no to hit on women at work so I can't really expect much but the guys all look at me like I'm an alien. I don't want to fuck them but it'd be nice to feel attractive. That's why I'm jealous. In his arms is the only place I feel that way and now I'm scared she's going to win out in the relationship department and I won't even have that much. Not to mention, if he were involved with someone else, I couldn't even hang out with him. For starters, no girl is going to like that. I hate that he has to work with this bitch, even if nothing happens again. I can't blame any potential girlfriend for feeling that way. Besides, there's way too much chemistry, and we'd probably end up in bed. Then I'd be the slut whore boyfriend stealer and I'm not gonna do it.
And another thing, this reminds me of Joe. Except that I didn't see it this time. Only in my own head.
I've always wondered what would have happened if I had given him a one time pass. I guess I'm about to find out. At the same time, I find it hard to imagine that I can bring myself to do anything sexually with him now that I know what I do and that's the main reason I cut Joe out of my life. I have to try though. I need time to let it all sink in, I realize, but 14 months is too much time to spend with someone to let one drunken night of head that supposedly doesn't compare to what he already gets get the better of us. So I'll do what I always do with him. I'll fake it til I get over it and hope for the best.
That doesn't make sitting here alone, wondering if they're at the gas station down the road, making out, any easier.
Never again, isn�t that what you said?
You�ve been through this before
An� you swore this time you�d think with your head
No one, would ever have you again
And if takin� was gonna get done
You�d decide where and when
Just when you think you got it down
Your heart securely tied and bound
They whisper, promises in the dark
Armed and ready, you fought love battles in the night
But too many opponents made you weary of the fight
Blinded by passion, you foolishly let someone in
All the warnings went off in your head
Still you had to give in
Just when you think you got it down
Resistance nowhere to be found
They whisper, promises in the dark
But promises, you know what they�re for
It sounds so convincing, but you heard it before
Cause talk is cheap and you gotta be sure
And so you put up your guard
And you try to be hard
But your heart says try again
You desperately search for a way to conquer the fear
No line of attack has been planned to fight back the tears
Where brave and restless dreams are both won and lost
On the edge is where it seems it�s well worth the cost
Just when you think you got it down
Your heart in pieces on the ground
They whisper, promises in the -- dark
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