the past
8:13 p.m. x 2003-09-27
I wouldn't usually write this stuff here but it's what a diary is for so I'm using it.
I was talking to a new friend a little bit ago and we were having this conversation over a story he had written and a break up he just went through. It really got me thinking about some things in my past. I wouldn't change the way things are now with the knowledge I have as opposed to then but it makes me think about how I've handled it, how things have transpired, and how much people and things change.
I watch my children grow and I watch another season coming on and I think about things that I later get mad at myself for thinking. I think about where I was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, and so on, and it makes me nostalgic for what was and for what I thought would be. Although today is great, yesterday creeps in on me when I least expect it and I don't always know how to deal. I've changed a lot since then, and that's good, of course. I needed change. Yet, on my bad days I see my old self as something to mourn. I don't really understand why but my memories become something similar to the way the people must have felt when the life boats were sailing away from the titanic. I see it and I can't change it, and that has made me who I am partially, but also it's like I reach out to stop it and can't. It's a memory now. One that repeats over and over in my head when I least expect it.
"You can't change the past," they say. I don't want to change it. I'm just getting sick of being stuck in it.