Warning: This may be hard for "you" to read
3:32 p.m. x October 21, 2004
There's going to be a lot of long stories made short in this entry. First of all, I'm back on the real internet, as of about an hour and a half ago.
I lost my internet in early August, and was reduced to using my phone for like a month to surf the web (if that's what you want to call it on a cell phone), then I lost that too. I no longer work where I worked before I lost my internet, and because of hormones on my end and a bad manager at Bob Evans, I don't work anywhere. Right now I'm living off my ex-husband and trying to get by in life.
I broke it off with John, not before I met someone else, which was wrong I know but life is funny and cruel and whatever.
August 20th, I moved from Akron, and after losing my phone and all, met a guy downstairs from me named Pauley. He was introduced to me by the babysitter and I think she was definitely more interested in him than I was. I had met him once before when we exchanged words over my dog and I thought he was an asshole.
Anyway, I was pissed off because Ron missed Brittany's birthday party and I left him upstairs with the older kids on Sept 25th and took Kimberley down to show her new dress off to the sitter. She was in Pauley's apartment and we sat and talked for a few hours. Then Ron came down and I went back upstairs so he could leave.
Well, later I took the kids outside and ended up at Pauley's again. Cindy (the sitter) and I went over to this other guy's house and sat for a bit, then Cindy's boyfriend threw a fit and she had to go baby him. Rather than follow them in when they were arguing, I started to leave to go home. The kids didn't want to go in yet so I wandered over to Pauley's because he was standing outside. We somehow ended up in his house (with the door open, of course) and after talking and me refusing but not really meaning it when he flirted, etc, for hours, the kids fell asleep on his floor and he said "Well I talked about me enough. How about you tell me about you." I asked "What do you want me to say?" and he smirked, but wouldn't tell me. I insisted and he finally said "I was going to say to tell me that you want me but I wouldn't want to disrespect you like that." and I said "I'm not disrespected." He told me the door was open so I told him to close it. He said "No, you close it." so I did, I walked toward him, ended up naked, and eventually in the shower with him.
After the bathroom, then about 4 1/2 hours in the bed, I had to ask him to stop because I was so tired.
I went back to my house at like 6:15 in the morning, and didn't see him at all the next day. Then that Monday I went down there again, and more or less spent the night. We were using durex condoms and they're not very durable because that bitch split down the middle and now I'm pregnant.
Anyway, he was in the process of moving when all of this started so I moved right along with him, putting most of my stuff in storage. Ron had the kids on a Friday night during the time I lived with Pauley and I got a bottle of vodka... keep in mind that I've barely drank at all in a very long time, but I had walked 6 miles to go to the doctor that day, I was sick, and life was shitty so I said what the hell. I drank almost the whole bottle in the form of screwdrivers, started seeing double, passed out, woke up and puked, then passed out again. I was wearing boxers and no panties (it was just the two of us) and was on my tummy. Well the boxers flipped to the side and I guess this guy Scott came in during that time and saw my stuffage. It got turned into this huge stupid rumor about Pauley offering me up to him when I was passed out and I honestly don't think that happened but Scott is 18 and the type that likes to embellish stories so it got blown out of proportion. I was rather embarrassed, still am, but I'll never drink like that again so I guess it was a good lesson learned, huh?
Anyway, I lived with Pauley for 2 weeks and a lot of shit happened in that time. I knew I was on my way out so I asked for Ron's help and eventually moved out after telling Pauley I was pregnant. At first he wasn't going to stick around and wanted me to get an abortion or he'd sign over his parental rights but since then he's changed his mind. He has a lot of issues to work out and I know I can't live with the man for a lot of reasons but I am still seeing him as of right now. I'm going over there when I get done writing this, but because he called me and demanded I come see him at 11:30 last night then got shitty when I didn't, I don't know how fun it'll be. Then again, knowing him, he'll apologize and sweet talk me and all will be forgiven.
For all that he isn't, he's the father of my child, he's funny, he's sweet (sometimes), and he has potential. He's not going to be a lifelong partner but I'm trying to enjoy life for what it is right now and not worry about the rest, within reason of course.
I'm back in Akron in a regular house again, and things are getting better. The only thing left to get back is a car.
The shitty end of this is that John got left in the wings for me to do all of this, and I do feel bad about that but it happened.
I started to see John as just a friend and kinda lost interest after the July trip. It's not his fault at all, but without the cuddles and the kisses and the ability to read body language once I already had it for a very intense week, things just fizzled out.
I've read a lot of the things he said about me while I was gone and I understand where he was coming from, although it was all blown out of proportion. It was wrong to essentially cheat on him but if I had constant access to a phone, I wouldn't have. I would have broke it off first.
Maybe I'm just a coldhearted bitch but I needed something real. Not just sex, but much more than laying in bed and pretending I was with my partner for months on end. I can see Pauley's kissy faces, I can feel his arms around me, I can smell his scent, I can look into his eyes and judge whether something he says is out of anger, humor, sarcasm, etc, and it's not just in my imagination. I wouldn't say I found my happiness (except for the part about my baby) but I learned a lesson about real life vs. internet while I was gone and it sucks that someone was hurt in the process but sometimes we have to be a little selfish. This is the only life I'm going to get and I have to live it, not just on the computer, but completely.
If I can find my camera in this mess of boxes, I'll take a picture of Pauley tonight and post it later. As of right now, I can tell you that if this baby looks like his daddy, he's going to be one good looking kid.
That's all for now because I have to leave.