What to do?
3:57 p.m. x 2003-12-02
I have these moments where I get to thinking about something from my past, like my childhood for instance, and I'll get so lost in thought that I find myself completely forgetting my surroundings. Then someone says something or my kids call my name and I snap back into reality with a jerk. Every choice I've made has gotten me to where I am today. Had I made a different choice at some point, I would have had a different set of choices to follow from there and I wouldn't be here. I'm sure I'd be alive but I wouldn't be here.
Maybe I wouldn't have kids or I wouldn't be in Ohio or I would have taken a job somewhere that would have led me down a different path socially.
That's not to say I have regrets. I may have a few small ones, and I may have some temporary regrets, but I made my choices in life and I am who and what I am because of them.
I've done a lot of things in my life that may not have put me where I wanted them to. I may have been thrown into situations that I didn't want to be in. Yet, I'm solely at fault for the things, good or bad that happen to me, because I put myself there in the first place.
This has nothing to do with anything that has been going on online and I really don't want to talk about what I'm thinking about in great detail.
I'm just sick of certain people that I know outside of this computer (and didn't meet here either) not taking the blame for anything.
I made an idle threat today, yelling out my back door with my mostly numb mouth, threatening to move back to Illinois. I had my reasons for saying it and it had nothing to do with what I want. The reply was "So I see that's what you want."
So, yes it would be my choice. Everything I do is my choice. However, here we go with the blame game again. Would I move to Illinois? I doubt it. Even if I did leave this ass backwards state, I don't think it would be to move back there. I love my mom but I've realized that I need my distance from her.
I've seen my children thrive in the presence of both their mother and father, despite the odd arrangements we happen to have. At the same time, I'm not going to start this fighting bullshit in front of them. Why, when you don't know what a person just went through medically exactly, would you start bitching before they even walked in the door? So he was in the kitchen and I caused him to have to walk to the front? I don't live in a 30 room mansion or anything. Why did it seem to kill him to have to load the dishwasher, and why is it a big deal that there's a few stray dishes left in the sink when it's full?
It seems he's upset that the kids don't listen to him and they certainly don't listen to me. I just deal. Not him though. He's constantly muttering shit about how he'd have sleep and free time if I hadn't come out here.
Yet, it's what I want?
So, do I follow through on that threat? I don't know. It took a lot of courage to pick up and move my children, myself, and my belongings to a totally strange place and I don't know if I have the courage to do it again. They've been bounced around too much already and although they tell me at times that they would rather live by Grandma, they gave me a different story when we did.
It's funny. Up until just a few days ago, we were getting along fine. I don't ever want him back as a husband, a boyfriend, or a lover, but he was seemingly my friend.
Now I find myself in the same place I was a year and a half ago. Despite not being married to the man, I don't feel as if all the ties have been cut. We do have children together.
What if I had just been at that motel two springs ago? I made one choice that sent my life on a totally different course. I continued to make choices including divorce and a big move to a different state, and now I have to choose again.
I don't maintain the confidence to believe that whatever I do is going to be the right choice either. I've made three good choices in my life, in the form of little human beings. All the rest have eventually led me somewhere I didn't want to be.
Right now, I don't want to be here. I want to run. I want to go to my mommy. I want to find a place where I can get protection, although I'm not in physical danger. I want to be held and told that it'll all be okay. I haven't been held since June and my personal bubble needs to be broken for a little while.
Yet, making that choice seems wrong because then I'd be the coward that moved my kids again. It isn't about what other people think of me, although I'd be lying if I said I was completely oblivious to it. It's what I think of myself.
Maybe this all seems petty but if you truly knew him and the way he can be (and one of you does) then you'd know why a fight over a dishwasher is a big deal.
If he keeps it up, I may have to make sure I have a pack of cigarettes on hand to mark up that bald spot a little more.
Okay, I had to try to be funny.
If you look on my profile, there's a song snippet next to someone's name. I used to play that a few years ago when I was upset and a lot of the aspects of her current situation are similar to what I went through. I downloaded the song today because I felt myself jet propelled back into a time and place that I never wanted to, or thought I'd be in again.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.Somewhere along the line,
I must've gone Off track with you.
Excuse me,
think I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
- Jewel