2002
12:37 p.m. x 2002-12-31
Well, 2002 is almost over. When the year started, I was gettng used to the idea of turning 23 because it seemed so odd to me. (seems as soon as I get used to my age, I get another year older.)
I'd like to have some wise words or go through my whole year but it isn't coming to me. Instead, I'll list my hopes for 2003. Maybe when its coming time to be 2004 I can read this and see how far I've come or not come.
I'd like to be more patient with my kids. I'd like to get my bipolar under control so I can be a normal person. I wish it'd just go away because I don't like dealing with it, but that won't happen.
I have issues with my dad and his death that I'd like to see resolved. I still have a lot to deal with when it comes to my failed marriage. I want to learn to stand up for myself better. I want to not let people walk on me. I want to be level and not bounce from being insecure to feeling like I'm queen of the world for no reason.
I want to make sure my kids know they're loved and provide a happy, secure home for them. I want them to know that I can't imagine life without them and that I'd go through the last 7 years all over again if it meant having them in my life.
I want this move to Ohio to go through because I want out of this town. I want to start a life that really is for myself and my kids. I'm scared that my mom will get sick and die and I'll be too emotionally close to her and it'll cause me to completely lose my mind. I need to make sure my mom knows I love her but find a way to cut those ties a little bit.
I need to be a big girl. I need to support myself by myself and live by myself and do all the things an adult is supposed to do.
Then, when I'm settled and I'm not dependent on anyone anymore... when I can go to a movie or go out to eat alone because I truly know companionship is a luxury, I can start a life with someone new. I won't expect perfection, but it'll be someone that I can completely call my own. It'll be someone that I can bake cookies with and cuddle up to at night.
In 5 years, I see myself with someone (a woman) in a house that's neat and tidy and I'll go off to work while she stays at home with the kids. She'll call me at work and ask me to pick up a few jars of baby food for our child. She'll have a vehicle but she'll really call me because she loves me and wants to hear my voice. I'll run by the store and pick the stuff up, and I'll see a card there that suits her perfectly and I'll pick it up for her... not for any special occasion but just because I want to. I'll fill it out in the car while I'm in the parking lot of the store and I'll bring it home and she'll greet me with a kiss, then tell me how rotten the kids were and I'll listen, pay attention, and care. I'll rub her feet and I'll make dinner while she takes a bath and relaxes after chasing kids and carpooling all day. After dinner, we'll bathe the kids and tuck them in with a bedtime story and we'll watch late night TV on Fox.. then we'll make love for hours and fall asleep naked and cuddled up under the covers. The kids will jump on us in the morning on a Saturday and we'll tuck the blanket around us long enough to chase them out. We'll get dressed and we'll make them breakfast and take them to the park.
See, maybe I do expect too much but the main thing I want is a normal life. I may not have this now but someday I hope to and this is how I want it to go. It might not happen in 2003 but my goal is to get myself straightened out so I can offer this to someone special someday.
And that is my special entry for the end of 2002. Unless there's a big important update, I will see you all next year.