Good and bad news.
12:51 a.m. x February 20, 2006
So, my brother has leukemia. That's pretty much all I know. I haven't been able to bring myself to call California. I just sent my stepsister (his half sister) a message on yahoo telling her I needed to talk to her about something. Even though an im is still a cold way of conveying something, I need to get ahold of her somehow and I'm not going to send this news in an offline message. My mom called and told me today and she was in tears too. Since my phone broke, I couldn't get to their phone number, and I swore I saved an email from Donna but I guess I didn't, so I didn't have an email address to write to either. Now he think I don't love him because I haven't called them since October. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. I wish I could be there with him but they're so far away that it isn't feasible. I'm still pretty shaken but I'll know more tomorrow. Then I can deal with it however I need to deal with it. For now, just for tonight, I'm going to cuddle up with my denial and pretend it's a bad dream.
I'm angry with his mother and there's nothing I can do but get over it. I can't tell her off because she's dead. I know this isn't just one of those things. He's had far too many health problems and I believe I've read that kids with FAS have a higher chance of getting leukemia so I know this is an effect of her not being able to put the bottle down long enough to carry a baby. That's not a mother. That's a waste of space.
I'm also dreading how Donna will react under stress. It's not a secret that she's nuts and I just don't need that again. My dad's funeral was enough hell for one lifetime.
As for the other stressor of the weekend, I went over to Louie's tonight and it went well. He held me and let me cry on his shoulder, and despite him having a stomach bug, we went out to dinner. I made a CD for him earlier today and we listened to that and cuddled before we left. At dinner, he smiled and said "I can see down your shirt." and I said "You're allowed to see down my shirt." and he said "I like your boobies." It was cute, the way he said it.
Then of course we had sex when we got back, and I fell asleep in his arms. After about a 2 hour nap, we had more sex. It was damn good sex too... the kind filled with raw emotion. Despite what happened the other day, I feel closer to him than ever. I think we managed to set boundaries without wondering if the other person wasn't satisfied with that, or freaked out by it. I explained my lack of self-esteem and how I felt a little jealous that he was getting the attention and I feel like a hideous beast when he's not around and he argued that I still have hotass. That's his way of saying I'm attractive overall, not just my ass. He told me he'd understand if I went out and had revenge sex with someone but I can't bring myself to do that and have no reason to, really. I'm not mad at him. I think we've really connected. It's almost like it was when we first met, except it isn't a new thing and there's more than simple lust there. Not that he's in love with me, because I could assume it all day long but men aren't as emotional as women and it's something I won't believe unless he were to tell me, and I don't expect him to. We're fine where we're at. We don't need to complicate things. However, I know now that there are feelings there and I'm not just a piece of ass that he's known for a while. He, in not so many words, told me as much tonight. See, a long time ago, after we had broken up, he had his hand on my knee and I asked him how he could do that if he didn't love me, and he said it was id. In other words, it was just a reaction. So, I asked him tonight, when he was holding me, if he thought we were closer too, or if it was just id. He said "No, this is just nice. Id is that nasty stuff we did a minute ago."
Then he kissed my forehead. He kissed my forehead a lot tonight actually. I love forehead kisses.
He got up and showered and we sat on the couch watching tv, talking about everything, til he got ready for work. I showed him my birth control pills because he's always asking me if I'm keeping up with them. I told him "I don't want another baby anymore than you want one in the first place. Where would I put it? It'd get kinda cold in the shed." I think he needed to hear that.
Then we were talking about cologne and I told him I like it when he wears Old Spice because it rubs off on my clothes, so when I come home, I crawl in bed and smell it til I fall asleep. He got the cutest look on his face and went "aww." That's one of those things I never told him because I didn't want to freak him out. 2 months ago, I would have. Now I know I can say that stuff and he knows I'm not being creepy. I'm just being a girl.
I also explained to him that if it were a nice, respectable girl that he had a connection with, I would gladly step back but since this was a one time drunken mistake with a slut, I'm not going anywhere. I think he needed to hear that too. I think he's been saying stuff about it being understandable if I wanted to end things or fuck around, because he's trying to convince himself that it really is okay. I'm not going to do either one though. I don't know, maybe he's needed to know for the entire time that we've known each other that I wasn't just going to abandon him. It would explain a lot.
So when we left so he could go to work and I could go home, we kissed and he rubbed his face on mine and then unzipped my coat a little bit and rubbed it on my shirt. He said "there" because now I smell like Old Spice more than usual. Then, as I was walking away, he said "bye, baby."
I think he said it on the phone once a week or so ago but I can't swear to it, but this time I know what I heard. He hasn't done that in forever. Normally, he only calls me baby when we're having sex. This wasn't that.
So, I know now that we'll be okay. And I know that he's there for me when the chips are down. I don't know what the future holds but for right now, it'll be just fine. I'm closing the chapter on what he did because he means too much to me to not do that. I even told him that it isn't worth it to me to throw away something I've put 14 months of time into over one mistake and his eyes lit up a little bit, like he was happy and relieved at the same time.
It's going to be okay. Truly.
By the way, I feel bad that this is more about Louie than my brother. If I knew more, it wouldn't be. I just don't want to come off as being callous about Jonathan or more concerned about my own affairs. My heart is ripping to shreds over my brother but I've said the same things about it to so many people already that I'm getting tired of repeating myself. When I know more, I'll write more.