Happy birthday Noah
10:46 p.m. x 2003-06-20
Tomorrow, I should be having a birthday party for my 3 year old. I should be worrying that the cake won't be done in time, or wondering if this or that person is going to show up for the party.
I shouldn't know what its like to lose a child. I shouldn't know what a molar pregnancy is. I shouldn't have to tell people it gets easier, because I shouldn't know the feeling of it.
For whatever reason, though, I do. Maybe it happened to me because I have the ability to be able to support someone else when they go through it. Maybe it happened for reasons like meeting everyone in July at Cedar Point. Maybe I wasn't ready for another child, or maybe that child's body wasn't able to hold such a wonderful little person. Maybe I lost him so that I'd have room in my family for Kimberley. (After all, life wouldn't be the same without her.)
Nonetheless, I still miss him everyday. I love him as if I had gotten to hold him and nurse him and snuggle him. I love him as if I had gotten to feel him move inside of me, or watch him smile his first smile at me. I love him as if I had heard him say mama for the very first time.
To someone else, he may have been just a fetus that got the bad luck of having a worthless placenta.
To me, he's my baby.
Happy birthday, my dear sweet Noah, where ever you are. I love you.
