This shit fucking sucks.
1:06 a.m. x February 18, 2006
I'm going to be miserable tomorrow when I try to work but I can't sleep. I wish I had some sort of direction on how this was going to go. I'm not the most patient person in the world. Waiting it out is not something I'm good at. I want to call him but I don't know what to say. Anything I say right now will come off as a posessive girlfriend and I'm not one. I just don't want to sit and twiddle my thumbs like I did when we broke up. I need to know that I'm not going to lose him to that slutbag but how can I truly know it. Sure, he says as much but I know men. She's going to keep thorwing herself at him until he gives in and I have no grounds to fight back. Not really. If I tried, I'd go back on everything I've made clear to him about our relationship status. This is driving me nuts. I don't know how I'm going to get through all of tomorrow and half of Sunday without going completely insane. I hate not knowing. I need to know that he told her to bug off and she got the hint. I need to know that it isn't going to go down like this. I know the day is going to come when our arrangement doesn't work, but things have been so great lately. I don't know.
And like I said before, I don't know if I can jump right in and take sloppy seconds.
This is why, outside of work, I have very few female friends. How did Amy put it? Trifling bitches that don't want a man unless he's already involved with someone else. She's the second one this week. Not that he's fucked, but that has completely ignored the fact that his life may be just fine and he doesn't need their drama. The other one hit on him right in front of me and he shot her down. This one did everything she could to get in his pants until she caught him when his guard was down. Women are bitches.
Maybe it's karma.
I also worry that when he shoots her down again, she's going to go psycho and cause him to lose his job or something. I tried to warn him of this without being accusatory a long time ago but he didn't listen and that frustrates me. There's so much that could happen. She could claim he raped her, or file sexual harrassment charges, or start stalking him (which puts me at risk), or any number of things. I guess maybe I could sleep better if I knew how she took it when he confronted her, or if he even did. I'veben in the situation where I swear I don't want to be with someone, even to myself, and then I see them and my reflexes take over. I think he probably wouldn't risk his job by doing that much but still. I'm as worried about him as I am myself and it's bugging the shit out of me. Argh!
I need to go toss and turn til I pass out and try to ignore the dreams but I'm avoiding them as much as possible.
This shit fucking sucks.